David's Corny Jokes
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Some days, l have to take three or four baths to make the phone ring.
The North Korean Pole Vaulting Champion has just become the South Korean Pole Vaulting Champion.
I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid!
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. The guy said, "Do you mind waiting?" I said "No." So he replied, "Great. Take this soup to table 4."
A man goes into a clockmaker's shop, and asks for a potato clock. Confused, the shop keeper asks what he means. He replies, "Well I keep being late for work. My boss told me if I got a potato clock I'd always be on time."
I'm getting a bit fed up of people telling me I have an obsession with trees. I'm Sycamore people mentioning it.
My Mum and Dad forced me to drink Australian lager when I was young. They must have been Foster parents.
My wife and I walked past a new swanky restaurant last night. ‘Wow,' she said. 'Did you smell the food? It was lovely'. So being the true gent that I am, I thought I would treat her. So we walked past it again.
On a recent visit to the local cinema, they refused to let me pay for a pick & mix with a £50 note. Instead, I had to pay with two twenties and a tenner.
My neighbour's 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish. He still can't even say 'please' though... which I think is poor for four.
I was walking past the prison today and saw a really tiny chap climbing down one of its walls. I thought, "That’s a little condescending".
Yesterday, I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush. Why is there no plaque?